I Totally Know What's Wrong with Agents of SHIELD

Seriously.  I do.

I imagine that the conversation went something like this:

Marvel: We want you to develop a TV show. Because the movie was such a hit. We want to strike while the iron is hot. 

Whedon: Can't be done.  I'm flattered that you asked, but weekly TV doesn't have a big enough budget. And I'm a totally hot director now. No way am I doing TV again. 

Marvel: No seriously...  Here's a giant bag of money. 

Whedon (blinks): Uh...

Marvel: More?  We can get more.

Whedon: That is a big bag of money. 

Marvel: You made most of it for us. You see where I'm going with this, right?

Whedon: Well...  The thing is, we need to keep it small.  It can't be Captain America every week. That won't work, even for Disney. 

Marvel: Fair point. 

Whedon: How about... 

Marvel: Yeah?

Whedon:  What if we make the show just like Buffy, only set inside SHIELD?  Like Buffy--that's Agent Coulson--and a bunch of clods. Newbies. Xanders.  Because Coulson died, and so they replaced him with a Life Model Decoy, only now nobody trusts him. So they give him this team of losers, and... an antique plane... And then they just sort of send him out there and hope for the best. 

Marvel: Okay...?

Whedon: Because Fury likes him, see?  So they want to give him a chance, but they don't trust him. So they put him out at the fringe of the Marvel Universe, and either he proves himself, or they pull the plug. And every week it's some weird thing, plus his team keeps breaking protocol...  You get the idea.

Marvel: You think that'll work?

Whedon (shrugs): Who fucking knows?  Frankly, I don't see another way to do it, unless you want put the show on HBO or Netflix or something. 

Marvel: Okay, let's see some scripts. 

Weeks pass.  

Marvel: These are pretty good. It's a slow build, but--

Whedon: That's what I do. 

Marvel: Yeah. We know. 

Whedon: Okay, so... We're green-lighting this thing?   

Marvel: Yeah, I guess. I mean, it's the Big Mouse that wants this shit, and--

ABC:  Seriously?  This?  I mean, can't we at least make all these characters younger?  And hotter?  I mean, who the Hell is gonna watch a show about a bunch of misfits?  These guys need to be heroes.  A crack team!  And young!  And hot!

Whedon: But--

ABC: Trust us. We know TV. 

Whedon (aside to Marvel):  You're sure you don't want to do this on Netflix?

Marvel (aside to Whedon): That meeting's next week. In the meantime, weren't we talking about a bag of money?

Whedon (shrugs): I suppose we were. 

***

*Attribution: I totally stole that thing about the "Xanders" from Matt LaRock, a friend of a friend on Facebook.