A Few Words About Finding Love & Sex

I've been thinking a lot lately about my kids. I've got two girls, both elder teenagers, girls who'd already be married adults in another time and place. Here they are growing up in this crazy world that feels very much like it is losing its direction in some very basic ways. For example, why do I keep reading about women who don't like getting choked during sex?

No. Don't answer that. 

I already know the answer.

Choking features frequently in porn. Many guys watch a lot of porn, and let's be honest, if you don't know what real sex looks and feels like, you probably assume that it looks and feels a lot like porn. Porn features fantasy sex, but these kids don't know any better. They're just acting out what they see on TV.

Nothing about this is real or realistic or to be emulated in a real relationship.

It's not hard for me, at very nearly 50 years of age, to parse this and put it together. I mean, I remember when Star Wars came out, and I remember how disillusioned I was years later when I realized that real space flight looked and felt nothing like what I'd seen in the movies all those years ago. What do you mean that's not what it's really like? And yeah, having served in the Army as a Tank Platoon Leader and Company XO, I know what that too looks like in real life, too, and again, it looks nothing like what you'd see in the movies. 

So yeah. It's obvious to me -- now -- that movies are just a show. And yes, this is at least as true of porn as it is of anything else. Porn is about as similar to real sex as Star Wars is to real space flight.

Alas, my kids have no way of knowing this. Their potential partners have no way of knowing this. None of these kids have a long-term frame of reference with a partner who's always known what he/she wanted and has always been open and communicative about it.

Plenty of people don't know what they want. It can take time and trust to figure that stuff out. Which, again, is fine for me. But I don't know how to talk to my kids about it even though I can see pretty plainly how nervous they are.

They should be nervous. This stuff can be really scary.

The New York Times ran an interesting piece in its editorial section last year called, "A Manifesto Against Sex Positivity," which in turn deconstructs another article, "The coming wave of sex negativity". I wanted to hate all of this because I've always thought that purity culture does a lot more harm than good. I mean, the basic reason why all these young people think sex is supposed to look like porn is because no one talks to them about any of this. Porn becomes their only frame of reference because we're all too embarrassed to talk honestly about how this stuff can and should work. Everything gets pushed into the closet or underground. I can only imagine how embarrassed my own kids would be at this conversation, not to mention the -- insane -- idea I know that they would both have, that I somehow wouldn't understand what it's like to be young in this world.

Regardless, I especially wanted to hate that second article because, friends, that thing is straight-up right-wing propaganda. Unfortunately, though, like a lot of that stuff, there's enough truth in there to make it hit pretty hard in spots. For example:

"This is as much a problem of community as anything else. Eroded relationships have a lot to do with the fact that most middle and upper middle class people in the West lack any sort of identity, inclusion to a group they believe in in a real sense, and connections."

That's not great grammer, but it is a fair point. People don't know what to believe because they don't feel like institutions -- any institutions -- can be trusted. It's not just that social norms are dead; we've made an actual virtue of not belonging or identifying with groups of any sort.

Which, yeah. I mean, I live in the world, too. This has not been an unreasonable reaction.

But without community, where do we find role models? 

From Against Sex Positivity:

"[M]odern heterosexual dating culture appears to be an emotional meat grinder whose miseries and degradations can’t be solved by ever more elaborate rituals of consent... [T]here’s plenty of empirical data about growing romantic loneliness and alienation. Fewer adults have live-in partners than in recent decades, and young people, despite their apparent panoply of options, are having less sex."

Obviously society is not getting it right. But I can't help or change "society". I can only influence my own family and the circle in which I live.

Part of the reason that I wrote my memoir was as a way to help my kids see me as a whole person -- and not just as their dad. Not that the memoir is some screed against purity culture, but I don't think you can read it and reasonably take away the idea that I think sexual purity is important. I wanted my kids to get that message not because I hope they sleep around but because I hope they realize that whatever happens, it's not going to ruin them. There's just so much bullshit out there, and I couldn't think of another way to convey this message ahead of time.

This thing about finding actively good sex, though, is a much thornier issue, though not one that has shown up in real life just yet. At least, I don't think it has. If anything, both my kids are enmeshed in the popular wave of infinite juvenilism. Neither of them want to confront adulthood at all, and this thing with sex and relationships is arguably the thorniest bit.

Maybe this is a conversation for another day. Nevertheless, it's conversation that probably needs to happen at some point. I'm just not sure how to approach it.

For whatever it's worth, my best relationship advice to anyone is as follows:

1. Do what you like to the best of your abilities. Whoever out there is also doing this thing, those are the folks who make up your potential dating pool. Your shared interests then become the things you like to do together.

2. The obvious corollary is that you have to do something if you want to meet people. Your would-be life-partner is sure as shit not gonna show up to your room uninvited while you're playing video games.

3. As far as sex is concerned, there is a right way and a wrong way to do pretty much everything. Reading from reputable sources is always a good idea, not just where sex is concerned. But for sure where sex is concerned, too.

4. Talk to each other and figure it out. Definitely do not just assume that whatever bullshit you just saw on TV, that it's in any way a good idea. It almost certainly isn't.

5. Exploration is great, but no one wants to be hurt or degraded. This is actually obvious, and if it's a concern for you, it's probably also a concern for your partner. 

6. Sticking up for yourself is important. No one respects a doormat, so don't let yourself be used or walked on.

That's it, friends. Have a good week.